Dik-Dash with a Dash

Call #1

"Hello, Roosevelt Insurance. May I help you?"

"Hello, can I speak to..." 

Gulp, do not say "Stiff." 

"...Don?"

"May I ask who is calling please?"

Sure, an old friend who knew your boss before he became Don Roosevelt, when he was Sheldon "Stiff"  Rosenfeld, aka The Human Erection.

"Umm, Harry, Harry Starr."

"Thank you, Mr. Starr. I'll check if he's available."

Check if he's available...More like check if he's jerking off in his office or not. How do guys like this pull off these charades? May I ask who's calling? I'll check if he's available. Don Roosevelt. 

Harry wrapped his hand around the mouth-piece of the phone and flushed the toilet. 

"Hello, Mr. Starr!"

"Hello, Mr. Stiff!" 

"Oh man, Harry. Those were the days. Camp was the best. So how are you doing, Harry old boy?"

Old boy. Like we knew each other from The Knickerbocker Club, not Camp --- where we ate gefilte fish and drank grape juice for Friday night supper. Old boy.

"Harry? Harry, are you still there? What's that sound? Did something just explode?"

O, the dangers of making the bathroom call.

"...Oh yeah, sorry. A light bulb just blew." 

Out of my ass.

" Hang on, let me turn off the switch."" Harry covered the mouth-piece of the phone with his hand and held back from cracking up. Calling from the crapper was epic.

"Sorry...I'm okay now...What do I call you now anyways?"

"Don. Don Roosevelt. Officially changed my name two years ago."

"Okay...D-d...Stiff...Fuck, can I still call you Stiff?"

"Fuck, why not? From one dick-head to another...So what's up, Starr?"

"Well, for one, I'm moving to L.A. next week. I've been writing scripts 

lately and want to give it a shot writing for TV. I was wondering if you could give me Ricky Dash's number? I haven't spoken to him since he moved to L.A."

"Yeah, well, say hello to Dik-Dash with a dash for me if you see him."

"Dik-Dash with a Dash?"

"Yeah,  Ricky-boy's new and improved Hollywood name. He actually modified his name. Ricky - out, he's Dik now, that's D-I-K, no C, and he added a dash between Dik and Dash. So he's got like one name now, Dik-Dash with a dash. And to think the dick-head busted my balls for changing my name! That Fucken hypocrite that Dik-Dash."

"Dik-Dash? That's hysterical!...Umm...so I guess your still not talking since the Wedding Invitation dispute? Man, I thought that you guys would've made up by now. You were so close."

Harry ripped a long fart while while dumping more from the previous night's midnight souvlaki run.

"Are you calling me from the crapper, Starr?"

"No, no, of course not," Harry said while involuntarily ripping another mighty blast. 


That yogurt sauce was a killer.

"You fucker, this is a crapper call. You're calling me from the shit-house! I can practically smell it over the phone line."

Shit, I must seem like such a jerk.

"Relax, Harry, it's no biggie. I'm actually on the can too. I think there's something about hearing from an old camp friend that moves the bowels...So what were you saying?"

"About Ricky, man. I can't believe you lost contact with him."

"It's not like I didn't try, Starr-man.  I sent Ricky a card when he got engaged. The putz  never even acknowledged it. Apparently Dikie-Dash is too big a Hollywood dude to bother with his old friends."

"Shit...You guys were like best friends. Didn't you give him his first blow job?"

"No, when I tried his cock was already up your ass, Harry Starr. After you've always been the dream boy, tall, dark and handsome...Say, weren't you doing some acting. I remember Ricky talking about you. He thought you were great, that you'd one day you'd make it as an actor--"

"Yeah, we'll, he thought wrong. Acting's not my thing anymore...I fucken choked, but that's another long and boring story. Now, I'm writing...ah, writing..."

"Yeah...writing? Cool...So you should still try to call Dik-Dash with a dash. He always thought you were a great guy, Harry. Look, I don't have his number anymore, but you should try his parents. They're in the phone book. They still live in the same house on Tupper Drive."

"Ahhh...okay...Okay."

"..."

"Well, thanks, Stiff. I'll let you know how it goes."

"Yeah, keep me posted, Harry...Say, did you take out a health insurance policy for when you're in L.A.? Y'know Medicare doesn't cover you down there if something happens like getting your dick stuck in a drawer."

"Fuck off..."

"No seriously. I just so happen to have a plan that would be perfect for you, Harry...And quite reasonably priced too. Are you still cheap?"

Call #2

Awkward "Hello, Mrs. Dash, it's Harry Starr. Old friend of Ricky's from camp."

"Oh yes, I remember you, Harry. You were over at our house a few times. Nice boy. Ricky likes to be called Dik now. It's more adult-sounding."

"That's me, very nice."

Crackling silence. Uncomfortable Parent chat.

"...So I'm going down to live in L.A. for a while and wanted to call up Dik. Would you be able to give me his number?"

"...Aha...yes...I don't mean to be impolite, Harry, but I'll have to speak Rich-err-Dik first. His rules. Dik gets so many calls now, you can imagine."

"...Yes, umm, I understand...so..."

"Why don't you call me back in a couple of days? I'll be speaking with Rr..Dik tomorrow."

"Sounds good, Mrs. Dash. I'll call you then."

Not really, needing clearance from Dik-Dash. Fuck, what am I? Some desperate stalker? But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Two days later Harry got the number.

That was a Sunday night.

Call #3

Monday night: Mondays are always a bad day to call.

Tuesday night: Too tired. Killer day at work.

Wednesday night: Three aborted dials. Tried.

Thursday night:  They tape Dik-Dash's show that night, Dik-Dash unavailable. Would've tried.

Friday night: Friday night dinner with the family. Never call on a Friday night.

Saturday night: Only losers call on a Saturday night.

Sunday night: Fucking do it already! Dik-Dash's probably home with the family. Best chance to catch him. 

Need a drink.

A shot of vodka...another one...and another.

Make the call already. What do I call him? Ricky or Dik? Or sir? It's not the same anymore. Should've taken the role in his student film. Should've, could've. I'm such a putz.

Pacing, pacing.

Deep breaths.

Sit down,  get a pad and pen.

Doodle caricature of Ricky, handsome chiseled Dik-Dash. 

Vodka shot.

Dial, man, dial.

Busy signal. Phew.

Pacing, pacing.

Look in the mirror. You're so handsome, Harry. So handsome.

Dial...A ring. Butterflies in the tummy. Another ring.

"Hello..."

A woman's voice. Must be wife. What's her name? Mrs. Dik-Dash? Deep breath, strong acting voice.

"Hi, can I speak to...uhh...Dik, please?"

Yeah, Ricky.

"Who should I say is calling?"

The guy who used to play rafter-ball with Ricky behind Bunk 24.

"Harry, his old friend from camp, Harry Starr."

"Okay, hold on a sec, I'll go get him. He's doing some editing work now."

She sounds so nice. Am I bugging him...Too late to bang down and hide under pillow.

"I can call back at another time if he's busy."

Don't sound so fucking submissive, Harry.

"No, it's okay, Dik could use a break. He's been working all day.  I'm sure he'd like to hear from an old friend."

He would? Nice girl...Dik, call him Dik.

"Sure, thanks."

"Ricky...." wife calls out.

Tic toc, tic toc...What's taking so long? Maybe he really doesn't want to speak to me? I wouldn't want to speak to me.

"Hello...?"

"Ricky?"

"Dik."

"Dik?"

"Was Ricky."

"Hi D-Dik, it's Harry."

"Larry?"

"No, Harry. Harry Starr."

"Hey man, Harry! Just teasing.  Howya doing, Harry Starr?"

"Doin' fine...and you?"

"Can't complain. Married. Kid. Writing on Outta Town."

"It's all good, all good..."

Awkward moment of silence.

"So what's up with you, Harry. It's been a while."

"Yeah, it has. Not married. Not near married. I've been working in sales..."

"That's cool..."

"I'm not acting anymore, but started writing..."

"..."

"Yeah, remember Ronnie Finkelstein?"

"Oh yeah, Ronnie...How's he doing?"

"Well, not so hot lately. But he got me into writing scripts. I'm actually finishing off a Feldman spec script now and planning on taking it down to L.A. with me."

"Cool..."

"I guess...That's kind of why I'm calling. I'm gonna see if I can get something going writing for sitcoms and was wondering if you wouldn't mind...taking a look at it?"

"No problem, Harry. I can read it and give you back some notes."

Oh, man, fucking great, amazing.

"That would be great...Dik--"

"So look, Harry. Send me your script when it's finished and we'll take it from there. Might take me some time to get to it, things are crazy busy now."

"I can imagine..."


No I can't.

"...Yeah..."

"Anyhow, I won't keep you longer, D-Dik. I should be finished the script this week and then I'll send it to you..."

"Great."

"Yeah, great. I really appreciate this, Dik. Thanks a lot."

"My pleasure."

Really?

"Well, take care, we"ll be in touch. Bye."

"Bye, Harry."

Harry crashed out on the sofa with a smile.

Happening

"I know a guy who can make it happen, Harry. He owns Hollywood."


"Okay, Finkie."


"It's Michael Ovitz, Harry. He owns the town. He's been calling me everyday."

"Okay, Finkie. I'll call him when I get to L.A.."

"You mean, we, Harry. You're  not leaving me in this loonie bin with all these retards." 

One little monkey jumping on the bed

He fell off and bumped his head

So Momma called the doctor and the doctor said

No more monkeys jumping on the bed!

And there they stood behind Finkie, nodding in agreement, the psychiatric ward's Greek chorus; Myron the public masturbator, Beth the drooling red-head and Jamie the Mayor of Munchkinland. 

"Get the fuck out of here you fucking fucked up freaks!" Finkie shrieked while he turned around.  "Shoo shoo. Run back to your holes."


They fled like scared mice. 


See how they run, see how they run.

CLOSE UP OF FINKIE LAUGHING MANIACALLY.

EXTREME CLOSE UP OF FINKIE LAUGHING MANIACALLY.

DISTORTED EXTREME CLOSE UP OF FINKIE LAUGHING MANIACALLY AS IF IT IS HIS REFLECTION IN A FUN -HOUSE MIRROR. THE VOLUME OF THE LAUGHING INCREASES UNTIL IT'S INTOLERABLE AS WE: if it is his reflection in a fun-house mirror. 

FADE OUT:

No little monkeys jumping on the bed

None fell off and bumped his head

So Momma called the doctor and the doctor said

Put those monkeys back in bed!

What was there left to do,  but to finish the script?

              SCENE H

INT. GARY’S APARTMENT  -  A LITTLE LATER.

GARY AND HERB. HERB IS PACING ABOUT THE APARTMENT EXCITEDLY. GARY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE SPORTS NEWS ON TV.

                   HERB

       I’m telling you Gary, last night

       Was the most wonderful night of my life.

                   GARY

       (NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO HERB)

       Tell me something. When they show

       figure-skating highlights, why do

       they only show the falls?

                   HERB

       Figure skating? I’m telling you about

       a defining moment of my life and all

       you can think about is men in make-up

       doing pirouettes?

                   GARY

       Who would want to be in a sport where

       you have to fall down to get some

       attention? What do they think to

       themselves when they make a few

       triple-axels and toe-loops? “Phew

       I made it. Phew I made it.” Where’s

       the joy? Where’s the satisfaction?

                   HERB

       My thoughts exactly!

                   GARY

      (BLOWING UP) My God, man, do even your

      thoughts have to be the same as mine?

A BEAT

                   HERB

      Okay Gary, spit it out. What’s wrong?

     

                   GARY

      Nothing’s wrong.

                   HERB

      (MAKING A SUDDEN REALIZATION) I know

      What it is! It’s the Black Diamond

      Yo-Yo Syndrome all over again!

                   GARY

      Herb, you’re a mental case.

                   HERB

      Usually, Gary, I grant you that, but

      not this time. I’m on to something here.

      It’s like when we were eleven. You used

      to play day and night with your Black

      Diamond yo-yo – until I got one. Then

      you threw your away. It’s the same

      here – when I get something that you

      have, it loses its luster for you.

      (TRIUMPHANTLY) Jana and Jill are the

      Black Diamond yo-yos!

SFX. THE BUZZER RINGS. GARY GETS UP TO ANSWER.

                   GARY

       Well, there are the yo-yos now.

                   HERB

       So you admit it. I’m right.

                   GARY

       I admit nothing. The evidence is

       all circumstantial.

                   HERB

       You think of me as nothing more than

       a sidekick...an appendage...comic

       relief. Is that what I’m destined for?

       A life in sidekick land? Me, Jimmy

       Olson and Jughead Jones sitting

       Around with no dates?

                   GARY

       I always pictured you more as Alfred,

       the butler.

SFX. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

                   GARY (CON’T)

       Get that, please.

THE GIRLS ENTER. AD LIB GREETINGS.

                  HERB

       So tell me – who did you like better,

       Batman or Robin?

                  JILL

       Pardon me?

                  HERB

       You know, the Caped Crusader or the

       Boy Wonder? Who’d you rather take to

       see Miss Saigon?

                  JANA

       Well, we always kind of likes Robin.

                  JILL

      He was so cute and earnest...kind of

      like you, Herb.

                  HERB

      (TO GARY) You see, you see,

      Mr. Top Banana.

                  JANA

      Well...there’s something we need to

      tell you first.

                  GARY

       Do you think the Boy Wonder is old

       enough to hear it?

                  HERB

       If I’m old enough to match wits

       with The Riddler, then I’m old enough

       to hear this.

                  JILL

       Actually, what we have to say is

       mostly about you, Herb. (A BEAT)

       I find you very attractive.

                  JANA

       ...The problem is – so do I.

HERB IS SHOCKED AND EXCITED.

                  GARY

       Come again.

                  JILL

       It’s true. We’re both irresistibly

       attracted to you, Herb.  

                 

                  HERB

       So...you want to date me simultaneously?

                  JANA

       Not exactly, Herb.

                  JILL

       Herb, you don’t understand. We think

       it’s best if we don’t see either of you.

                  HERB

       No! This cannot be! This is unacceptable!

GARY IS QUIETLY RELIEVED.

                  JILL

       We’ve been in this type of situation

       before and it’s just too much of a

       strain on our relationship. On top of

       that, with the two of you being such

       good friends...

                  HERB

       We’re not such good friends. Actually,

       I’m more like Gary’s sidekick.

GARY PUTS HIS ARM PATRONIZINGLY AROUND GEORGE’S SHOULDER.

                  GARY

       My little Boy Wonder. Don’t worry

       about it, girls. We understand. I’m

       sure this is for the best.

                  JANA

       We’re glad to see you taking it

       so well.

A BEAT OF SILENCE. HERB BEGINS TO WEEP WITH WRACKING SOBS.

CUT TO:

HARRY AT HIS DESK BY THE WINDOW FURIOUSLY TYPING AWAY AT HIS COMPUTER.  DAY TURNS TO NIGHT AND BACK TO DAY. HE HITS THE PRINT KEY! BREATHES A DEEP SIGH  OF RELIEF. HE'S DONE IT, HE'S ACTUALLY DONE IT.

SFX: WE HEAR THE PRINTER BUSY AT WORK SPITTING OUT PAGE AFTER PAGE.

                    SCENE I

EXT. THE STREET – A LITTLE LATER THAT EVENING

GARY AND HERB ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET. GARY IS WHISTLING, STROLLING JAUNTILY.

                   HERB

       How can you be happy at a time

       like this?

            

                   GARY

       Oh relax, Herb. Someday you’ll look

       back on this and laugh.

                   HERB

       Great. The way my life has gone, I’ll

       have to live to two hundred to get

       in all the laughing.

                   GARY

       And that’ll only cover the high

       school years.

                   HERB

       At my funeral, instead of a eulogy,

       they’ll just play a laugh track.

       Would it offend the gods so much to

       make me a winner just once?  Even

       Charlie Brown won a baseball game

       last year.  

                   GARY

       Maybe that’s your problem, Herb.

       All your role models seem to be

       cartoon characters. Robin, Jughead,

       Charlie Brown. You’re comparing

       yourself to ink!

                   HERB

       (WITH RESIGNATION) You’re right. I’m

       I’m aiming too high. Hey, what the hell’s

       going on here?

GARY AND HERB HAVE ARRIVED AT THE MILK BAR. THERE IS A CROWD OF PEOPLE MILLING ABOUT. POLICE TAPE IS BARRING THE ENTRANCE.

                   LISA (OC)

       The whole place is infested with vermin.

GARY AND HERB WALK OVER TO ELAINE.

                   HERB

       Great – I’ve lost my girls, and now

       I’m not even gonna get ice cream.

                    LISA

       Lost the girls? Where’s Jana and Jill?

                    GARY

       Listen to this! Jana, my girlfriend,

       tells me that she likes Herb better

       than me.

LISA PUSHES GARY.

                   LISA

       Get out! She liked Robin better than you?

                   HERB

       You haven’t heard the best. They both

       liked me so much, they dumped me.

      

                   GARY

       Rather than fight over Herb, they

       thought it’s be best to break it off.

       Pulaski, this charm of yours...it’s

       a curse.

                   HERB

       You are so right, my friend. Why is

       it that with women, I’m either Valentino

       Charlie Brown? They either become totally

       obsessed with me, to the point of

       suicide, or I turn them into nuns?

                   GARY

       You're godly, Herb.

HERB STOPS TO THINK FOR A BEAT.

                   HERB

       Could be a new angle...

END OF ACT TWO.

END OF STORY.