LA Profiles

M had a heart of gold. He'd lend you 50K if your Chapter 11 didn't quite work out, torch your business if you needed the insurance money, or sign on as a guarantor if you needed bail. Everyone in town wanted a friend like M.

One thing you had to say about Gomez, he sure knew how to keep long term relationships with imaginary girlfriends. He dated Janie, the TV producer for three years. Then there was Bonnie the marathon runner; that pretend four year relationship culminated in an actual backpacking trip together to Asia. And the last big relationship was with Lori, a former gopher on a piece-of-crap TV series, who shared an eight bedroom house in Santa Monica with her six dogs, three boarders and a thick line of army ants marching in and out of the kitchen feeding on leftovers yet to find their way to the trash bin. I should point out here, that Gomez's fictitious girlfriends do exist in the flesh and have had enduring relationships with him, just platonic. But Gomez goes on and has carved out an over-the-hill Seinfeldian life,(sans most of the laughs), in Santa Monica. Long live Gomez and his imaginary girlfriends.

LA Profiles

First visited G in LA some 20 years ago when he was living in a match-box bungalow with no A/C and three kids running around the house shvitzing and naked. While I was having coffee with his wife, G comes home after a hard day's work and announces shamelessly that he just finished doing the math on his Chapter 11. "Honey, we've just lost $534,000...but the good news is that I found an amazing deal on a chauffeur and a used limousine."

I thought the man insane. Fast forward twenty years later, a few more kids, a few more business ventures - some good, some bad - and G puts his dream house on the market for $39 million. Rents it instead to a foreign consulate for an exorbitant amount with an option to buy. Proof that anything is possible in America.

LA Profiles

S, one of the new shmatah princes of LA, divorced dad and man-about-town, is a late arrival to the Thanksgiving dinner. Of course there's a good reason for his tardiness; he had to drive in from Vegas (with his three Russian girlfriends). When S finally shows up, he charmed the remaining dinner guests not just with his jubilant presence, but with his insight into the wonders of Creation:

"First God created man," he proclaimed in between frenzied over-sized face-fulls of smoked turkey and cranberry sauce. "Then he created the Russian woman, and then the other woman."

S belted out a hearty laugh, then realized it was his weekend with the kids.

Redemption and Forgiveness

I have written far too much about my spat with the gardner, but I'm hoping this will be the final chapter. Like a Toronto exec, I never returned his phone call pleading for forgiveness. Like a Montreal exec, I hid in my room when he rang the bell and never answered. Then I checked out some of the other gardner's prices and realized I had the lowest rate of them all. Made taking him back a tad more palatable. All the while, he continued to work on lawn, finding a way to regain my respect. This afternoon I run into him while he's tying up my cedars for winter and he sheepishly mumbles that he's sorry for hid outburst two weeks ago, he was having a bad day. How could I not take him back? So in the end this trite incident becomes a story of redemption and forgiveness. Not quite as dramatic or well-written as Ian McEwan's Atonement(which I hated and couldn't finish), but in my own little way a complete story from begining to end, something that has remained elusive to me all these years of writing.

Kindle vs iPad Continuing Debate

Can't understand why the Kindle wasn't designed with some kind of back-lit screen option. Yes, I know the copy is supposed to be more like ink quality lettering, which it is, making it a far better outdoor reader than the iPad. But the thing is, where do you do most of your reading? If you're like me, it's in bed, around bedtime when the lights are low. In a darkish room, the iPad is much better, you don't need any lighting. That said, the back-lit screen can be hard on the eyes and I'm even wondering if this is why I've been walking around with a blood-shot eye for two days. Of course, doesn't help that I wake up often during the night and always try to fall back asleep by reading (on my iPad). Spares my wife waking her up with lamp light.

The only other reason, and it is very important, that People may prefer the Kindle is because there is a far better selection of books on it. You can't even compare it to iBook's selection. Take recent Booker winner Howard Jacobson,(whom I only recently discovered thanks to The Rent Collector author, Glen Rotchin. On iBooks none of his books are available, while three or four, (still not enough) can be downloaded off of Amazon / Kindle.

Final note: iBooks has a better selection of free classics, so if you get it in your head to read a James Joyce classic like Dubliners or Portrait of a Young Artist..., you are better off with the iPad. Considering however that the Kindle is only $139 now, it's worth it to have even if you have the iPad. It's still great value...

Online Best Practices

It doesn't matter where a company is on the online selling time-space continuum, whether they are just getting in, or are a seasoned vet. There's a whole slew of best practices in play by the competition, that companies aren't necessarily using. And consequently, losing the competitive edge.

A company might be pleased with their online sales and/or online activities that promote in-store sales. The marketing department might be stocked with Internet experts in SEO, analytics, programming and design, but that still doesn't mean it's running at optimal cyber-speed. It needs to look around.
Here's why:

There is no best practices handbook, not only because there are a seemingly unlimited number of variables to address, but that the landscape is in constant flux. Furthermore, technology is not the panacea to all issues, plain old business strategy and common sense also comes into play.

Consider how influential peer-to-peer recommendations are. The company does a beautiful job on it's product page. High-resolution, zoom-in capability, comprehensive product specs, compare options, pricing - it's all there. Still that product, let's say it's sofa, isn't right for Jane Doe. But it is perfect for her neighbor who's redecorating her living room. Jane Doe would like to fire off an email of that sofa to her neighbor, but there's no email icon next to it to send it to neighbor. An overlooked detail.

There's a Facebook and Twitter share button, but neighbor doesn't dabble in those social networks. The phone rings and Jane Doe is off on a long and involved discussion and inadvertently clicks off the site. The moment, the opportunity is lost. Had there been that little email-a-friend icon, neighbor would have all that wonderful sofa information in her in-box and would soon be considering a purchase. It's all in the details and the only way to ensure that all the best-practices are being used across the board is to systematically evaluate all the best practices in that industry. 

The eReader

So I finally finished reading Freedom, a true accomplishment these days with my ever-dimishing attention span. Before I would carefully keep track of my reading, making sure that I always read a good mix of literary fiction and nonfiction. I'd average about 18 books a year and always kept a running list of them. I'd sign all my books and add notes inside each cover on what was going on in my life. My office was lined with my books and could tell you where I bought each one. Each book was like a little milestone. Was a member of four different book clubs, bought online and could never leave a bookstore without picking something up. Never thought I would go the e-book route, because that would stop my book collection. Then my mother bought me a Kindle and everything changed. I now had access to a bookstore within my lap and instead of reading book jackets,I could download a nice chunk of an excerpt and sample a wide range of books, not to mention all of the classics that I could now get for free. Read a lot of excerpts, while devouring podcasts. Then I moved my office and didn't take my books with me. Enjoy the e-book reading experience much better than paper, easier to read, more portable and more convenient to look up words.can never go back, especially now that I also have an iPad. Paper will go the way that vinyl did with records, eventually becoming nothing more than a collectible. But I got enough stuff already and there's no going back. Next posting will be review of Freedom.

The Mynabirds

One of my favorite of the amazing NPR Tiny Desk Concerts, The Mynabirds

Top Guns Selling Online

You cannot resist The Borg, or at least so goes the saying for the Starship Enterprise's greatest adversary. In business, we often encounter similar situations where there are major shifts in the landscape. Some businesses thrive, while others put on the blinkers and go by way of the buggy-whip. The Internet is today's Borg, it has demolished distribution platforms in music, publishing, home entertainment and now it's busy working on the brick-and-mortar stores. Top players get this, but many other established businesses have put on the blinkers. My recent study of the Top 100 US furniture retailers uncovered a dramatic finding: 70% of the Top 50 in that group are selling online, while only 42% of the second Top 100 tier (those ranked 51 - 100), are doing it. Think this is one metric that needs no further elaboration. Benchmark and evaluate your website against your industry leaders. It may just be one way to resist The Borg.

Direction Toronto

Try asking for directions in Toronto, you just get blank stares, incomprehensible mumblings or wrong directions...even from a lobby hotel employee or building security dude. But it gets worse, TO is the only city where cabbies ask you how to get to your destination.

Example 1) I am downtown in a major office building that has an exit on Yonge St. I'm not sure which exit to to take so ask the security guard, where is Yonge St. He thinks, he actually thinks hard and is stumped. I'll call to find out, Stumper says. Meanwhile I ask his partner and he immediately points me in the direction. And Stumper is on his cell phone searching for an answer. Wonder if he'd have to call his mommy if I asked him where are his socks.

Example 2) Leaving the downtown Sheraton hotel, I ask a car valet guy where is the closest subway station. Sure, he answers, pointing west. Just behind the hotel to the right. Wrong again! The closest subway station on Yonge was 2 blocks west and 1 block north.

But these two minor incidents pale compared to my adventures with cabbies, but those are other stories and I'm now suffocating on the waft of greasy fries and burgers that the schkutz-ball in front of me (on the train) is wolfing down...Wish the hog with the grey ponytail in front of me would stop sneezing...

7 Deadly Web Design Sins

From an Inc article of Oct.29, 2010

1. Putting your brilliant design first.
2. Going overboard with Flash.
3. The unwelcoming welcome screen.
4. The boggling homepage.
5. Worshipping the fold.
6. Not addressing the user's real need.
7. Hiding who you are.

For this article click on:
http://www.inc.com/guides/2010/10/7-deadly-web-design-mistakes.html

Position, Position, Position

If brick-and-mortar is about location, then so is online. A website may have the whole nine yards on their website, but can the potential customer find what she is looking for in a few seconds? Not always; what a waste. Let's look at what most of us would consider to be a rather mundane module, Delivery. What are the terms? Is there free local delivery, free conditional delivery or special delivery? What are the rates and lead times? Basic stuff, but it's not always so apparent. Is there a clickable delivery tab on the home page, is there even a dedicated delivery tab for that matter? For example, sometimes the delivery information may be filed under Customer Service or attached somewhere within the Product menu. Other times it's a "call store" affair. The point is, it needs to be Home Page-dedicated-tab clear, particularly for large items like furniture where logistics can ultimately impact a sale. Online best-practices aren't just about gee-whiz technology, it's also about positioning. The location, location, location of brick-and-mortar. 

Follow the People Trail

To paraphrase Grammy-winning, mega-successful entrepreneur, Chamillionaire on episode #26 on the podcast, This Week In Venture Capital with Mark Suster, "Go where the people are." This strategy worked for Chamillionaire as he built up his music distribution business directly online, but it can be applied to any business seeking to draw in customers without going through the traditional distribution channels. Twitter is obviously one of the major social networks, but how do you make it work for your business? It's not enough to slap together a profile and tweet in the hope of attracting a large group of followers, you have to be proactive and "enlist" your followers. It's amazing how many brand name companies are out there on Twitter with anemic follower lists. This is a missed opportunity, particularly for those companies with a national market. That's the beauty of Twitter, it casts a wide net. (1) First, identify the kind of followers you want and start by following them. If it is done right, count on about 50% of them following back and eventually a critical mass will form. 2) Be selective, don't just follow anyone, see who's following the competition and only accept profile with real names and photos attached to them. (3) Tweet regularly and be real, show a little stuff that goes on behind the scenes. Ultimately the size of your following will be a function of allocated resources. Cultivate that following and it will grow and with time the business will have its own broadcasting network. 

Inspiring Billboard

Draining week and all I can think of is that billboard I saw last year on Pico Boulevard in L.A. That had the slogan, "Don't worry. Shabbos is right around the corner!" Could not have said it better. Shabbat shalom.

The Gardner Rings Twice

So I still haven't returned the gardner's call from Saturday, which probably qualifies me for a senior exec position in Dilbertville. Only I'm not dicking him around, still deciding whether to take cement-head back, hire new lead-head or give a shot at shoveling myself like the cheapos next door. But that's not all, I still cannot bear to talk to thorn-in-my-side, especially after learning that another neighbor had a similar experience with him and suspects that he is a drinker, stoner or both. If only I could convince my wife to move to a condo. Never been an enthusiastic homeowner, not the Canadian Tire of guy here. Don't like hockey and hate the Habs. If it wasn't for the fact that I love Tim Hortons and the bland food they serve, and think that Stephen Harper is the greatest prime minister since the founding of the dominion, then you might even question my patriotism. Forgive the tangential rambling, back to the gardner. He rings my doorbell today, but fortunately I was on a conference call and did not answer. Meanwhile he cleans the leaves off my lawn and even bags them. Think I'll make the bugger sweat a bit and let him come a knockin'.

Alternate Lives

I recorded all the Bob Newhart shows (which doesn't include his last anemic one where he played the cartoonist), and now that's about the only TV I watch, aside from SNL. Nothing more therapeutic for my soul than the opening to Newhart, the theme music, the Vermont scene driving down the country road to the inn; it's where I want to be. If I could jump into the screen and live that life, I would. Sweet, gentle, off-beat and hysterical, a perfect refuge from the otherwise shark tank of a world we live in. Also love the idea of a writer as
innkeeper, even if Bob is just a writer of how-to home improvement books. In my sitcom, I'd be a literary fiction writer and dog-breeder, but it would be in a bucolic setting. As I was watching Newhart the other day it struck me that the art, (and I will categorize Newhart as that - it just happens to be a television art form), we love the most is what we can identify with the closest. That's why Catcher in the Rye has such a broad appeal, everyone experienced the trials and tribulations of adolescence. So Newhart becomes for me, a version of my own life, a man of letters (to a certain extent) engaged in his own business surrounded by a cast of eccentric characters, who view in turn view his "normalcy" as "different". Then I thought of my favorite work of fiction, the namesake of my dog, The World According to Garp. Since reading the book (and later re-reading it), I have always been taken with the idea of the fiction writer living in suburbia, fiercely protective of his neighborhood and living among eccentrics. Again, a setting I can relate to, although I am far from being a literary novelist, but another idealized version of my type of world, one where my soul will always be.

Tilt the Planet Now

Not a big fan of Daylight Savings Time and the plunge into the heart of darkness by late afternoon. It hits me like jet lag as I find myself crashing to sleep at 8.30 pm...Then waking up wide-eyed and bushy-tailed at 2.30am only to engage in a futile effort to fall back to sleep. With all the big geniuses in the world today, can't they just figure out a way to adjust the tilt of the Earth so that we can get an even 12 hours of day and night all year long?

Viva la Revolucion!

My snoopy neighbor tells me that I have the second highest electricity consumption on the street, second only to the chubster with the Lexus and pool. "You probably do too much laundry," Snoopy says. "Try wearing your shirts twice before washing them." Whatever you say, Mr. Ring-Around-the-Collar. "But don't feel bad, the city's new assessment of your house is 12 per cent less than mine and 15 per cent less than Chubster Lexus-with-the-Pool." I refrain myself from popping him, also 'cause he's got six inches on me and two strapping sons with black belts. And I thought Facebook was bad. So how'd he get all this what-should-be confidential information. "It's all there online. Thank Hydro Quebec and the City of Montreal." Think I'll pass on expressing my gratitude. How do they get away with this? If they want to publish this information, should we not be able to opt in or out? Just because the city publishes the bloated salaries of the scores and scores of their useless city councillors, who voted to skip the inquiry on corruption in the construction industry and their roles in it, doesn't mean they have to share my confidential information with the world. And ditto for Hydro Quebec; I'm sure there's plenty of dirt there to broadcast. And you wonder how revolutions start?

The Gardner Atones or I Told You So, I Told You So

Trust me, interacting with my gardner, anything to do with him for that matter, is last on my bucket list. I was born with an aversion to these stocky leather-hides. And so did my father, who hated gardeners more than the pooping pigeons on our roof. In fact my big dream in life is to have enough money to hire someone just to manage my gardner and to ensure that I never have to see him. So you get my point, I don't want to spend any time or energy dealing with them. Okay, deep breath, the Gardner Leaves Affair has another chapter and I'm not quite sure how to respond. He quits on me Wednesday rather than clean the leaves from the street and tries to play the tough guy blowing me off. I restrain myself, because...well, Jewish guys who host weekly Torah classes do not generally fare well going toe-to-toe with cement-heads. And I am no exception. Relieved that I am finally rid of the ruddy-faced rat, I start thinking about a replacement and even consider shoveling my own snow this winter, (which I know will never go beyond the consideration stage). Saturday evening rolls in and I check my messages and see that Mr. Leaves called me during the day and left a voice mail. He apologizes for losing his cool and I immediately start jumping up and down like a twelve year old girl chanting, I told you so! I told you so! ...Yeah right- like you've never done that...Anyhow, little cement-head wants his job back, but I'm not so sure...Okay now I'm sure, will keep him, just to avoid having to avoid him on Wednesdays when he services my neighbors on the street. You gotta choose your battles in life, so this time i'll take a pass on butting heads with butt-heads.

Going Public

Social media has turned us all into public figures. That means we have to watch what we publish. You never know who's checking it out. True, it cuts into spontaneity and leaves a film of diplomatic / corporate-speak on content, but it also forces the publisher to become more professional. Stream-of-consciousness postings are refined into more sophisticated communications, the writer looks for a more clever way for expression. Still, this approach may not be for everyone, some high-profilers (like Kevin Smith), can get away with anything and indeed are expected to deliver unfiltered content. But remember they are few in number and backed by stellar track records of success. There are still some regular folk however, who feel compelled to let it all hang out online. One way for them to do it without jeopardizing their professional lives is to create a persona without disclosing any personal information. And when you are just a voice you can say anything.

Chilean Miner Rescue on Nova

Finally had some answers about the Chilean miner story; Nova did a superb job on it. They showed the rescue plan, which was actually three separate drillings. Ultimately one of the plans worked, the other two failed. The obstacles they faced during the rescue seemed insurmountable at times, but their determination and problem-solving abilities never waned. They actually built this towering drilling rig in the middle of the desert and had to truck in water daily just to lubricate the drilling. There was also some good footage on the miners down below. Was struck by how healthy and clean they looked once they started receiving supplies from above. Still, don't know how they didn't flip out amid such darkness, heat and claustrophobic conditions. One thing I would've liked to see was where they slept. Did they have any type of padding or covering to sleep on? Where did they sleep? How did they go to the bathroom? Was impressed with the strong family and Chilean government support given. Almost like they willed it to happen...

Gardner Leaves

Wednesday is gardner day, much to my chagrin. So we pick up from last week with another huge pile of leaves dumped along the road. Seems like it's my gardner's way to express his creativity. Christo wraps bridges, my gardner does road pastiches with leaves. Unfortunately though, my municipality fines home owners $250 for gardner road art. I approach him inside his pick-up, he's scowling and surly. You're not leaving the leaves in the street like that? I say more than ask. Those fucking leaves are not your problem, they're not from your house, he snaps unable to contain himself. You don't have to swear, me then says, just do your job and clean the leaves. Last week I had to do it myself. But it's too late, he's already cashed my check for November and has already been alerted by the gardeners whom I asked for a quote. (These guys actually dissed my gardner on his snow removal services because he lives so far away from our neighborhood. They even drove past my house to figure out what to charge me. Meanwhile when I told them I didn't want to discuss my reasons for pricing gardner services, they tried hard to draw it out of me. Pathetic). Anyhow he then proceeds to quit on me, which is good on one hand. I never liked the (insert your own favorite derogatory term here) in the first place, from day one when he took over his father's run. The downside is of course, that I will have to deal with another cement-head. Note to myself: One mo' reason to move to a condo.

Election Night Horror Picture Show

Love Election Nights, especially when they have no direct impact on me. Wondering why Repubs are red and Dems blue? Shouldn't it be vice versa? CNN kicks butt on the commentator side, Fox on the creep factor. Chilling thought that those Tea Party Palinites are now in control. Nothing scarier than the Fox line up of hosts and commentators...Looks like Rahm pulled a good career move by bailing on Obama. Let's see how he fares in Chicago...

Opening Lines; More Futzing with Fiction

I was eight years old before I realized that a pigeon was not a vegetable. Strewn throughout our garden, between the petunias and the pansies, lay plump purplish pigeon carcasses, the only crop my father would ever harvest.

Signs from Above?

So Rabbi Blech and his delegation finally succeed in getting the Vatican to agree to show them a sampling of what they've got. It's decided that they will show them the original manuscript of the great medieval work of Miamonides, his Mishneh Torah. The thing is it's such a huge compilation and the Jewish delegation will only have limited time to study it, that they are not sure what part or parts of it they should hone in on. After some consultations with the world's greatest scholars, it's decided that they should examine a particular section that deals with the laws of marriage. Seems that there is some uncertainty there about the three conditions of when a woman is betrothed to a man. Understand that this is a monumental work, both in volume and importance and they are concerned about actually locating that specific section. Meanwhile the Vatican returns to the room with only five pages of the manuscript and it's under glass. They can't even touch a page. Disappointment naturally sets in. But they proceed and lo and behold, the first page under the glass is actually that section about marriage. Coincidence? - maybe? A sign from above? I'll let you decide.

On a final note: The rabbi asks the Vatican rep how many artifacts they have in their possession. (By most accounts it's been estimated that they have about 800 manuscripts and an untold number of items, perhaps including the menorah from the temple looted by Titus, as well as the curtain of the ark with the rip in in it that Titus is said to have made when he slashed it with his sword. Anyhow, the Vatican rep says they have some 6,000,000 pieces. Now they may account for this huge number by counting each page of each manuscript as one item, but the figure itself is staggering. And here's the eerie part:six million Jews were killed during the Holocaust...

Meeting with Pope John Paul Rabbi Benjamin Blech (left) and Pope John Paul