The studio audience groaned and hollered while Teddy Slutsky warmed them up before the taping of the late night cable hit, Tooters. Teddy Slutsky, a comedic double-threat; still doing stand up, climbing his way to the peak of inane sitcom humor with the creation of his new show, I.P. Pudel, Pet Shrink.
"Relax, relax, I'm joking, the nymph IS NOT my sister..." Teddy beamed.
"Quite thick, isn't he?" Nigel whispered to Harry, who nodded in agreement.
The audience, packed with time-of-their-life motivated spring-breakers, cackled like geese. Nigel jabbed Harry in the ribs when Teddy suddenly directed his attention towards them. Attuned to his surroundings like a jungle cat, Nigel guffawed on cue and Harry, ever the improv actor, followed in tow. Close call. Don't piss off the guy potentially holding a big-break card.
Nigel flashed Teddy a thumbs-up of approval and mouthed, "Teddy."
When Teddy turned away from them towards another part of the audience, Nigel elbowed Harry in the ribs again, rolled his eyes and whispered in his ear, "Thicker than molasses."
"Mom was always the one who couldn't get enough," Teddy cracked.
The expected sophomoric hooting and hollering ensued.
Teddy shot back a smarmy smirk.
"No, seriously, my new girlfriend, Brandi, who by the way is not a family member...which is lucky 'cause my family would not have been supportive of her sex change operation...Something they just would not understand...After all, Grandma's mustache is 100% natural......Unlike her penis......That developed or rather, mutated after one of her VACATION DEALS......an all-inclusive to Chernobyl."
Harry cracked up, the one physical feature he recalled about Teddy's mother was the black hair sprouting from the mole on her cheek. Nigel chuckled, figuring that the joke was edgy. A group of frat boys sitting in the front row, ate it up and howled like werewolves. Teddy approached them and pointed his finger at the pack leader, a college cave boy wearing a T-shirt with the name, "MARKY" printed in bold lettering.
"Anyhow Brandi came clean to me about her past...Yeah, she's been around...In fact she told me all about the gang bang at the frat house with you guys..."
Holler, holler. Whistle, whistle. Yeee-hawww!
"...But no hard feelings, Marky..." Teddy said while approaching him closer. "She remembers you fondly...You were the last dude she did when she was still a guy."
Whooooo...Holler, holler. Whistle, whistle.
"But seriously guys...For the record, Brandi was born female...like MARKY..."
The beauty of stand-up; where else could a guy like Teddy beat up on a Marky without getting pummeled?
Ooooo...Marky fleetingly considered punching Teddy out, but that would land him in the clink and his daddy's get-out-of-jail-free passes were only good in his county back home in Louisiana. Better to laugh with clenched teeth.
"So Brandi gives me this ultimatum: Take Viagra, or she's leaving. And while I can't let this absolutely sexy, stunning girl leave me, I have this phobia about swallowing pills...Hey Marky, I bet you swallow..."
Marky clenched his fists and vowed to himself that someday when he would become klan wizard, (a family tradition), he'd hunt down Teddy Slutsky the Jew and lynch him for Thanksgiving.
"Meanwhile, Brandi says it's not a problem. She'll crush up the pill--"
"In her asshole!" Marky shouted, setting the beefy security guards in motion, but Teddy waved them off. Marky had become part of his act.
Marky took a deep breath, closed his eyes and blessed the Lord. Had he not been arrested for beating up that cretin umpire, then he would've never benefitted from the anger management course imposed on him by the judge.
"So Brandi crushes the Viagra pill and drops it in my coffee...which is a good idea 'cause when we're not in bed playing doctor, we're drinking coffee at Starbucks...We LOOOVE coffee...Espresso, cappuccino, frappacino - any of those drinks I can only afford to buy when I sell some stock...Anyhow after a week of taking Viagra and going at it like love-monkeys, I ask Brandi how she likes this Viagra thing..."
"'It's terrible,' she says. 'Just terrible. a disaster. This Viagra is the worst thing that ever happened to me..."
"Whaddaya mean? I said. What about all that great, amazing sex we had?"
"'Yes, yes,' she says. 'It was the best sex I had in my life. A fantasy come true...but I'll never be able again to show my face at Starbucks again!'"
Bada Bing!
"Anyhow folks, that does it for me for the night. We want you all to sit back in your seats and enjoy this week's live taping of Tooters with a very special and curvaceous guest star...Pamela Anderson...Yeah!"
"Baruch HaShem," Nigel whispered to Harry. Praised be God. Words that gave Nigel the atheist, instant credibility among fellow Jews.
Teddy motioned to Nigel and Harry to come down to the side of the stage to talk to him.
Nigel patted Teddy on the butt. Harry was taken aback.
"Teddy, Teddy, still love your act."
"That's 'cause you're into nostalgia. It's the same act I've been doing since we first met years ago..."
"So Teddy, I believe you already know my new client, Harry Starr, from your old football coaching days..."
Teddy sheepishly shook Harry's hand. "Man, that was ages ago...Harry Starr, quarterback, yeah, I remember you."
"Yeah, it's great to see you again, coach."
Teddy shook his head in disbelief. "Coach...man, that was before I got convicting for flashing in public."
Nigel and Harry faked hearty laughter.
"So Teddy, where do we meet after the show?"
"Oh yeah, we're supposed to meet. Right...Umm, drop by my office after the show. It's just across the street. Another late night, we're shooting the Pudel promos tomorrow."
"Yeah, right," Teddy said before disappearing behind the set.
"I can see that Teddy hasn't changed," Nigel said. "Always stingy with his time."
" ? " Harry grimaced, unsure what to make of the reunion.
"Sounds good, Teddy. Looking forward."
And that was all there was to it. After the taping, when Nigel and Harry visited Teddy's office, a curt production assistant passed them a message. "Teddy apologizes, he had to cancel your meeting, because he'll be working all night on the Pudel promos."
The phone rang and the production assistant answered. " All right, all right."
"Sorry guys, that was Teddy. I gotta run."
Bada Boom!
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