INT. HARRY'S CAR - NIGHT
Harry and Pauline, both dressed to the nines, are on their way to her cousin's wedding. Pauline gives Harry a careful once-over and likes what she sees.
PAULINE
Feeling good, Harry? Ready to have a good time tonight?
HARRY
I'm okay, but I can't seem to shake this diarrhea.
PAULINE
Disgusting!
HARRY
You asked me how I am, so I told you the truth. I have diarrhea.
PAULINE
More like, you have a problem.
HARRY
Yes, and it's my tummy.
PAULINE
I knew this was a mistake. You treat me like crap,
when all I am is nice to you.
HARRY
True. You even blew me in my office.
PAULINE
I don't know if that's what I'd call it.
You hardly lasted a minute.
HARRY
I had diarrhea.
PAULINE
You're such a putz.
HARRY
I love it when you talk dirty to me in Yiddish.
PAULINE
Why am I taking a schmuck like you to my
cousin's wedding?
HARRY
This is what I've been telling you for weeks...
Pauline, I think I'm in love.
PAULINE
Well you certainly have a strange way of
showing it.
HARRY
(laughing)
With you? No way... I just started seeing
someone. Really.
PAULINE
Good for you! You know what? I want to
have a good time tonight. You can tell me
about your new big love another time...
and your diarrhea.
HARRY
Okay, okay. I'm still game for a quick
blow... And this time I vow to last the
full minute.
PAULINE
(winking)
Then maybe we can still have a good time?
HARRY
Maybe, maybe?
Pauline, who's not used to travelling in economy, examines with disgust the plebeian interior of Harry’s car. Newspapers, magazines, books and CDs are strewn about.
CLOSE UP OF Pauline rolling her eyes.
PAULINE
(laughing)
How could you drive around
in this shit-box?
HARRY
What do you care?
PAULINE
I have an image to maintain.
The car stops at a red light. A prototypical DOUCHE-BAG in a Porsche pulls up beside them and stares.
Harry opens Pauline’s window and points to her.
HARRY
(to the Douche-Bag in the Porsche)
Pauline Eduardo says, hello!
The light turns green. The Porsche Douche-Bag guy flips Harry the finger, then peels off leaving behind a wake of dust.
SFX: SQUEALING TIRES.
Pauline coughs.
Pauline rolls up her window so that more dust won’t get in. She pulls out a Kleenex from her purse and turns to Harry.
PAULINE
Putz.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOTEL RECEPTION ROOM - A LITTLE LATER
It’s a stunning reception room with a very long aisle. Yards and yards of white chiffon and thule adorn the aisle separating the men from the women. All heads turned are turned towards the dewy-eyed CANTOR with the pop idol good looks. He floats down the aisle singing a Hebrew prayer. Each note of his glorious voice ascends to the heavens above. The rotund blue-haired old biddies swoon and gasp, their hearts thump pitter-patter. They haven’t felt this way since the Tom Jones days.
CLOSE UP on the mother of the bride inhaling deeply, (p.s., She’s having an affair with the dewy-eyed cantor).
CANTOR
(singing passionately)
Mah tovu,
Mah tovu…
CLOSE UP on Harry who looks like he’s about to hurl. He's the only wedding guest not watching the procession. We follow Harry’s line of vision to an old man sitting a few rows ahead, off to the side. The old man’s finger is knuckle-deep in his right and now distended nostril. Who knew that nostrils were so elastic? The old man catches Harry studying him with great disgust. He shoots Harry a fuck-you-I’ll-pick-my-nose-if-I-want-to! look. Harry gestures back a you-make-me-hurl look.
BACK TO the cantor who is now standing under the chupah, the ceremonial canopy where the wedding vows will be exchanged. The wedding procession continues with the march of the BRIDESMAIDS and USHERS, each one looking goofier and more self-conscious than the other.
CANTOR
(singing passionately)
Mah tovu,
Ohalecha Ya'aacov…
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SYNAGOGUE HALL – LATER
The joint is hoppin'. A crowd has formed around three wild hora-within-horas in full swing. In the center of the innermost hora circle are the bride and groom, both seated on chairs and holding on for dear life as they hoisted up and down by the sweat-drenched inebriated ushers.
Those wedding guests not aggressive enough to make it into any of the three horas, crowd around to watch - clapping, singing, swaying to the frenzied beat.
CLOSE UP on Harry, one of the few wedding guests not swept away in the revelry of the festivities. He is standing a few feet away from the last layer of the crowd. Our eyes follow Pauline, who is standing a couple of steps in front of Harry. She's clapping to the music, taking it all in and totally loving it.
CLOSE UP back on Harry, who is staring at a couple discretely tucked away in a corner across the hall. Pauline turns around intrigued by what has captured Harry’s attention. We follow Harry’s line if vision to:
Yikes! It’s the mother of the bride and the cantor furtively exchanging sweet-nothings. The mother of the bride discretely rubs the cantor's thigh. Even from across the hall it’s obvious that the holy man is packing heat down below.
CLOSE UP back on Harry and Pauline.
Harry, the intense voyeur, is still staring at the couple in the corner, is and Pauline has taken note. She wraps her arms around Harry's waste. Annoyed, he unwraps her arms.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SYNAGOGUE HALL - A LITTLE LATER
Time to cruise after the wild horas. The band plays some soft jazz and the wedding guests mingle. Pauline and Harry are chatting with another youngish couple - JOY, who’s a li'l bit chubby and a li'l bit cute, chubbier than cute though. Joy's date, GOMEZ, is a lotta bit swishy and and a lotta bit fey. Is he or isn’t he?
PAULINE
So are you two going out?
JOY GOMEZ
(SIMULTANEOUSLY)
(EMPHATICALLY). (SLURRING)
No! Well...
Pauline and Harry look at each other, not quite sure what to make of this “couple.”
Joy and Gomez exchange knowing looks. Time to set the story straight. Well, sort of.
GOMEZ
That would be hard considering I live in
L.A. and Joybee lives here.
Joy giggles nervously. Harry’s interest is piqued.
HARRY
(to Gomez)
What do you do in L.A.?
GOMEZ
I'm producing a sitcom pilot.
HARRY
(impressed)
No shit! A pilot?! Really?!
JOY
(proudly)
Yeah, a sitcom for Fox.
HARRY
Are you fucking serious?
GOMEZ
Yeah, it's called, Leftovers. It's
like Friends but ten years later,
with just the leftovers...
HARRY
(excited)
I love the idea! How'd you do it?
PAULINE
(interrupting)
Harry's writing for Feldman-
HARRY
(interrupting)
No, I'm writing a Feldman spec script.
Big difference. But tell me about Leftovers.
How the fuck did you do it?
GOMEZ
I got kind of lucky. So I'm subletting an
apartment from this guy, Barry Luden,
who used to write on Feldman. One day I'm
moving some of my stuff
to the apartment and Duane Day, you know,
the fat guy who plays Chubba on Feldman,
is hanging out with Barry. So I grab a beer
and we start kibitzing. I tell Duane about this
pilot Leftovers script I wrote and he fucking
loves it. Loves it! He tells me that he’s been
looking to get his own series and wants
to read my script.
HARRY
Fucking amazing!
GOMEZ
Yeah. Then Duane tells me that
he's even put together an ensemble
cast for his project with Wenzday Wilson -
HARRY
(interrupting, excited)
Wenzday Wilson?! Kid Chaos?
I fucking love him!
GOMEZ
And Sonny Pinto-
HARRY
(interrupting, excited)
Moochi?! As in, Mandy Loves Moochi?!
GOMEZ
Yeah, that Moochi-
HARRY
(interrupting, excited)
Anyone else?
GOMEZ
Yeah. Duane Day's girlfriend,
Cindy Saffron-
HARRY
(interrupting, excited)
Fran from Homework Bugs?!
(pausing)
What about Tootie?!
GOMEZ
No Tootie.
HARRY
(disappointed)
No Tootie...
GOMEZ
Anyhow, cut to the next day. Duane comes
over. He fucking loves the script. He brings
it to Fox and they green-light a pilot a week
later. I'm in shock. It's the only script I ever
wrote!
Pauline wraps her arms around Harry's waist. Harry unwraps them. Pauline wraps her arms back around his waste again.
PAULINE
I think Harry should write about
me...
Harry rolls his eyes, trying to play it cool. Truth is, he’s loving Pauline's tactile attention.
A waitress carrying a tray of hors d'oeuvres approaches the group. No- couldn't be...
GINA
(deadpan, at Harry)
Hors oeuvres?
Joy and Gomez each pluck an hors d’oeuvre off the tray and pop them in their mouths.
GOMEZ
(chewing)
Yum, yum. Pigs in blankets! My favourite.
GINA
(to Harry, coolly)
Aren't you supposed to be
back in L.A., with BILL MURRAY?
Pauline and Joy are befuddled. Where is this coming from?
GOMEZ
(to Harry)
You know Bill Murray?
Harry opens up his mouth but the words just won't come out.
GINA
Yeah, Harry’s producing a BILL MURRAY
movie. He didn't tell you?
The jig is up, Harry. Time for damage control.
HARRY
(to Gina)
C-can we talk about this later?
GINA
(to Harry)
Sure. After I throw this
platter in your face.
Harry flinches and recoils. Joy and Gomez are taken aback.
GINA
Just joking, I need this job.
Gina eyes a glass with red wine on the cocktail table that is next to the group. Gomez picks off another pig-in-a-blanket and pops it into his mouth. Gina steps towards the table to pick up the glass. Just as she is about to place it on her tray, she says,
GINA
On second thought, I can always work
as an extra in your BILL MURRAY movie.
GINA makes an abrupt turn towards Harry and throws the drink in Harry's face. The group freezes for a beat while Gina storms out.
CLOSE UP on Harry’s shocked face dripping with red wine.
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