Scenes from: An Affair to Forget

FADE IN:

INT. HARRY'S CAR – NIGHT

Pauline examines with disgust the dusty plebeian interior of Harry’s car. Newspapers, magazines, books, cassettes and cassette cases are strewn about.

CLOSE UP OF Pauline rolling her eyes.

       PAULINE

  (laughing)

How could you drive around 

in this shit-box?

       HARRY

What do you care?

       PAULINE

I have an image to maintain.

The car stops at a red light. A prototypical DOUCHE-BAG in a Porsche pulls up beside them and stares.

Harry opens Pauline’s window and points to her.

       HARRY

  (to the Douche-Bag in the Porsche)

Pauline Eduardo!

The light turns green. The Porsche Douche-Bag guy flips Harry the finger, then peels off leaving behind a wake of dust.

SFX: SQUEALING TIRES.

Pauline coughs.

Pauline rolls up her window so that more dust won’t get in. She pulls out a Kleenex from her purse and turns to Harry.

       PAULINE

Putz.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL RECEPTION ROOM - A LITTLE LATER

It’s a stunning reception room with a very long aisle. Yards and yards of white chiffon and thule adorn the aisle separating the men from the women. All heads turned are turned towards the dewy-eyed WEDDING SINGER with the pop idol good looks. He seemingly floats down the aisle singing a sappy song. Each note of his glorious voice ascends to the heavens above. The rotund helmet-haired old ladies swoon and gasp, their hearts thump pitter-patter. They haven’t felt this way since watching the Tom Jones Show ages ago.

CLOSE UP on the mother of the bride inhaling deeply, (p.s., She’s having an affair with the wedding singer).

       WEDDING SINGER

  (singing passionately)

True true love,

True true love…

CLOSE UP on Harry who looks like he’s about to barf and is the only wedding guest not watching the procession. We follow Harry’s line of vision to an old man sitting a few rows ahead, off to the side. The old man’s finger is knuckle-deep in his right and now distended nostril. Who knew that nostrils were so elastic? The old man catches Harry studying him with great disgust. He shoots Harry a “Fuck you I’ll pick my nose if I want to!” look. Harry gestures back a “You make me barf” look.

BACK TO the wedding singer who is now standing under the chupah, where the ceremonial canopy where the wedding vows will be exchanged. The wedding procession continues with the march of the BRIDESMAIDS and USHERS, every one sporting a goofy and self-conscious look.

     WEDDING SINGER

(singing passionately)

True love reigns,

True love reigns…

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SYNAGOGUE HALL – LATER

The joint is hopping. A crowd has formed around three wild hora-within-horas in full swing. In the center of the innermost hora circle are the bride and groom, both seated on chairs and holding on for dear life as they hoisted up and down by the sweat-drenched and inebriated ushers.

Those wedding guests not aggressive enough to make it into any of the three horas crowd around to watch, clapping, singing, swaying to the frenzied beat.

CLOSE UP on Harry, the only wedding guest not swept away in the revelry of the festivities. He is standing a few feet away from the last layer of the crowd. Our eyes follow Pauline, who is standing a couple of steps in front of Harry. She is clapping to the music, taking it all in and totally loving it.

CLOSE UP back on Harry, who is staring at a couple discretely tucked away in a corner across the hall. Pauline turns around intrigued by what has captured Harry’s attention. We follow Harry’s line if vision to:

Yikes! It’s the mother of the bride and the cantor furtively exchanging sweet-nothings. The mother of the bride firmly squeezes the cantor’s bulging crotch. Even from across the hall it’s obvious that the holy man is blessed down below.

CLOSE UP back on Harry and Pauline.

Harry, still staring at the couple in the corner, is getting aroused and Pauline has taken note. She firmly squeezes Harry’s bulging crotch.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SYNAGOGUE HALL - A LITTLE LATER

Time to cruise after the wild horas. The band plays some soft jazz and the wedding guests mingle. Pauline and Harry are chatting with another youngish couple - JOY, who’s a little bit chubby and a little bit cute, (bad nose job and all) and her date, GOMEZ, all swishy and fey. Is he or isn’t he?

       PAULINE

So are you two going out?

       JOY                                    GOMEZ

               (SIMULTANEOUSLY)

  (EMPHATICALLY).             (SLURRING)

No!                                      Well...

Pauline and Harry look at each other, not quite sure what to make of this “couple.”

Joy and Gomez exchange knowing looks. Time to set the story straight. Well, kind of.

       GOMEZ

That would be hard

considering I live in

LA and Joy lives here.

Joy giggles nervously. Harry’s interest is piqued.

       HARRY  

 (to Gomez)
What do you do in LA?                                                                                                                             

       GOMEZ

I'm producing a pilot.

       HARRY

  (impressed)

A TV pilot?! Really?

       JOY

  (proudly)

Yeah, a sitcom for Fox.

       HARRY

Are you serious?

      GOMEZ

Yeah, it's called, "Leftovers."

It's like "Buddies," but ten

years later, the leftovers...

       HARRY

  (excited)

I love the idea! How'd

you do it?

      PAULINE

  (interrupting)

Harry's writing for Feldman-

       HARRY

  (interrupting)

No, I'm writing a Feldman

spec script. Big difference.

Tell me about Leftovers.

      GOMEZ

I got kind of lucky. I'm

subletting an apartment

from this guy, Mitch Luden,

who used to write on

Seinfeld. One day I'm

moving some of my stuff

to the apartment and Duane

Day, you know, the guy who

plays Chubba on Feldman, is
hanging out there and we start 

kibitzing. So I tell him about this

pilot script I wrote for this

Leftovers idea I had and he

loves it. He tells me that he’s been

looking to get his own series and

would like to read my script.

       HARRY

Amazing!

       GOMEZ

Yeah. Then he tells me

that he's already put

together an ensemble cast for

his project with Wenzday Wilson -

       HARRY

  (interrupting, excited)

Wenzday Wilson?! The Chaos Kid!?

I fucking love him!

       GOMEZ

And Sonny Pinto-

       HARRY

  (interrupting, excited)

Moochi?! As in, "Mandy Loves Moochi"?!

       GOMEZ

Yeah, that Moochi-

       HARRY

  (interrupting, excited)

Who else?

       GOMEZ

And Duane Day's girlfriend,

Cindy Saffron-

       HARRY

  (interrupting, excited)

Fran from "Homework Bugs"?!

What about Tootie?!

       GOMEZ

No Tootie.

       HARRY

  (disappointed)

No Tootie...

       GOMEZ

Anyhow, Duanereads the

script and loves it. He brings

it to Fox and they green-light a pilot.

It's the only script I ever wrote!

Pauline wraps her arms around Harry's waist.

       PAULINE
I think Harry should write about
me...

Harry rolls his eyes, trying to play it cool. Truth is, he’s loving Pauline's tactile attention.

A waitress carrying a tray of hors d'oeuvres approaches the group. No- couldn't be...

       GINETTE

 (deadpan, at Harry)
Hors oeuvres?

Joy and Gomez each pluck an hors d’oeuvre off the tray and pop them in their mouths.

       GOMEZ
  (chewing)
Yum, yum. Pigs in blankets! My favourite.

       GINETTE

  (to Harry, coolly)
Aren't you supposed to be
back in LA, with STEVE MARTIN?

Pauline and Joy are befuddled. Where is this coming from?

       GOMEZ
  (to Harry)
You know Steve Martin?

Harry opens up his mouth but the words just won't come out.
 

       GINETTE
Yeah, 'arry’s producing a STEVE MARTIN
movie. He didn't tell you?

The jig is up, Harry. Time for damage control.

       HARRY
  (to Ginette)
C-can we talk about this later?

       GINETTE
  (to Harry)
Sure. After I throw this
platter in your face.

Harry flinches and recoils. Joy and Gomez are taken aback, but not Pauline. She's already figured things out.

       GINETTE
Just joking, I need this job.

Ginette eyes a glass with red wine on the cocktail table that is next to the group. Gomez picks off another pig-in-a-blanket and pops it into his mouth.  Ginette steps towards the table to pick up the glass. Just as she is about to place it on her tray, she makes an abrupt turn towards Harry and throws the drink in Harry's face. The group freezes for a beat.

       GINETTE
On second thought, I can always get
another job.

Ginette storms out.

CLOSE UP on Harry’s shocked face dripping with red wine.

CUT TO: