Over Dinner

"Alvy, why do you keep Harry if he's stealing from you?" Candy asked over dinner at Moishe's.

"Gives me something on him. The poor schmuck doesn't know there's a hidden camera in the showroom."

"That's not nice, Alvy."

"Not nice! Who's stealing from who?"

"But you set it up, Alvy. You screw around with his commission and then you put him around cash all day. Poor Harry..." An aching bolt of lust tingled up her quivering crotch. "Anyone would steal under those circumstances."

"Like you, baby. If you never stole from me and didn't get caught, you would've never gone out with me."

"I had to if I wanted to collect my modelling fee."

"Modelling? What modelling? I just wanted a simple blow job!"

"And I just wanted a sugar daddy. So now we're even."

"I'm still amazed you married a prick like me."

"Women love bad boys. But you're not a real bad guy, Alvy, and you know it..."

"Tell me about it, baby. Last year I gave twenty-five K to Combined Jewish Appeal and they didn't even put my name on a fucken plaque. NOT ONE FUCKEN PLAQUE! And still, people have the chutzpah to call me a crook!"

"You're more like a Batman villain."

"Really?....Like which one?"

"You reminded me of Egghead."

"Egghead? Fucking Egghead?! Do I look like an Egghead? Am I bald? Do I have a cone-head?"

"I meant, you're smart like Egghead."

Alvy grunted. "Why am I always the bad guy? People still look down on me. Meanwhile I give to every charity that fleeces me for money, I employ two hundred and fifty people and run a multiple-million dollar operation. Fuck, I'm the good guy!"

"Of course you are, honey. But a good guy with edge...And that's still such a turn on..."

Alvy squirmed in his chair.

"What's wrong, sweetie?"

"I'm still fucking waiting for my carnutzel! That's what's wrong." Alvy stood up from his chair, waved his arm at the waiter and mouthed, "Carnutzel," then muttered, "Jerk-off."

"Come on, Alvy, stop acting so mean. You're really a softie, letting Harry get away with stealing." Another bolt of passion raced up her crotch teasing her G-spot.

"Remember one thing, Candy. Harry is family. If you can't steal from your family, who can you steal from?"

"You have a heart of gold, Alvy," she said while noting her moistness.

"A weakness, Candy, don't remind me. Harry's family. But in the end, Alvy Shugar still comes up on top."

"Oh baby, how I know, how I know..." Candy moaned, imagining herself straddling Harry.

The waiter finally arrived with the carnutzel. Alvy grunted with delight and stabbed into the spicy sausage with gusto. A projectile of fat juice squirted out, landing bullseye on his Hermes tie.

"Shiiiit! This is a $145 tie I bought retail, full price. Now it's ruined! That waiter, the mumzer, gave me the Evil Eye!"

Alvy lifted his left buttock and farted a twenty-one gun salute. Candy recoiled in disgust.

"Relax, Candy. I was blowing away the Evil Eye. My late grandmother, rest her soul, believed that. Fortunately I was born the with the ability to fart at will."

"You're just gross, Alvy," she said while vowing to fuck Harry to get back at Alvy. Maybe she could get in a quickie at their daughter's wedding? There would be plenty of opportunities to finally screw Harry's brains out.

"Mustard!" Alvy barked to the waiter. "What am I, a putz-magnet?"