Back in the late 90's, before Todd Zeitz hit it big time with his banal reality show about love and courtship, Gomez brought along Harry for a Friday night dinner at the Zeitzes. To be fair, Todd's wife, Megan née MacArthur, didn't know much about preparing a traditional Jewish Friday night meal, but neither did Todd. In fact, Megan didn't know much about cooking,which is why she ordered in Chinese. Seems like she also didn't know much about kosher food or even kosher style; every dish they ordered was pork. Harry, who ate kosher, ate a bagel with cream cheese instead. Turns out that Todd's cousin, Jodi, also happened to be the Hollywood madam du jour. Harry watched in amazement as the Zeitzes chewed down their moo goo guy pork with gusto. He already knew what he'd tell the Hebes back home in Montreal.
"What a family those Zeitzes. While Todd eats pork on shabbos night, his cousin Jodi's porking on shabbos."
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Nasty Basement Story
J was a putz and a goniff, albeit one from the priestly caste. He was also a poor sport at gang bangs, just ask C.
"So we found this really drunk and disgusting chick at a club downtown. There was me, my uncle from Paris and J. When we get home...to my parent's basement- that's where my uncle was staying, (for the wedding)...So my uncle gets first crack at the chick...out of respect you know, he's president of his congregation back in Paris, a major deal. Anyhow he's nailing her while me and C are sitting in the basement drinking scotch watching highlights of the hockey game. Meanwhile my uncle finishes up and then brings me the chick..."
"Did she at least wash up?"
"And insult my uncle like he's some kind of scumbag?"
" "
"So then it's my turn and she's real nasty...she's going down on me and then before I can really get into it, J's pulling out my thing from her mouth and then then stuffs in his teeny thing. He says, 'You've had enough, now it's my turn."
"You mean he actually held your-"
"Okay, whatever, I'm a good natured guy, so I'm sitting there watching J and it's like, bugging him. He can't get hard. 'Stop looking at me,' he says."
"So did you leave?"
"Fuck no, it's my parent's basement. Besides it would've been rude to just leave my uncle there alone."
"So we found this really drunk and disgusting chick at a club downtown. There was me, my uncle from Paris and J. When we get home...to my parent's basement- that's where my uncle was staying, (for the wedding)...So my uncle gets first crack at the chick...out of respect you know, he's president of his congregation back in Paris, a major deal. Anyhow he's nailing her while me and C are sitting in the basement drinking scotch watching highlights of the hockey game. Meanwhile my uncle finishes up and then brings me the chick..."
"Did she at least wash up?"
"And insult my uncle like he's some kind of scumbag?"
" "
"So then it's my turn and she's real nasty...she's going down on me and then before I can really get into it, J's pulling out my thing from her mouth and then then stuffs in his teeny thing. He says, 'You've had enough, now it's my turn."
"You mean he actually held your-"
"Okay, whatever, I'm a good natured guy, so I'm sitting there watching J and it's like, bugging him. He can't get hard. 'Stop looking at me,' he says."
"So did you leave?"
"Fuck no, it's my parent's basement. Besides it would've been rude to just leave my uncle there alone."
Filthy Rich LA Story
It's not like Vero was doing anything special with her life. School? That's a laugh, except for B the heart surgeon,(a family aberration), none of the clan bought into education. Sit in a class and memorize stupid shit taught by underpaid teachers driving Korean shit boxes? Not a fucking chance! Real education was about how to score the best deal in any given situation. Rip off the pizza delivery guy, or con the parking lot attendant, take off without paying the restaurant tab. Then work yourself up to real estate fraud and tax evasion. So if Vero was twenty, reasonably hot, part-time religious, out of school with work absolutely out of the question, than there was only one option: marry a filthy rich tribesman. So mom and dad made a few calls, and set her up with Y, who was studying business at UCLA. (Best way to get a visa). Y was the perfect catch, fresh off the boat from the old country, from the famous Z family whose third world fortune was made from customs and duty fraud. It was every thing that Vero's papa could hope for: a match that was both filthy and rich.
The couple lived happily ever after, had a bunch of kids and bought lotsa properties for cash.
The couple lived happily ever after, had a bunch of kids and bought lotsa properties for cash.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
LA Short Takes
Seen at a coffee shop in Beverly Hills: A very tall man with beard and long hair dressed like Jesus in a long robe made of sacloth and sandals. No one at the cafe bats an eyelash. The ersatz Jesus leaves the coffee shop and then checks his BlackBerry for messages. Photos to follow.
Seen while entering a popular burger and sandwich place from the parking lot entrance in the back: A large metal container with an official city sticker on it stating that this is a rodent trap with bait. Photo to follow.
Seen while entering a popular burger and sandwich place from the parking lot entrance in the back: A large metal container with an official city sticker on it stating that this is a rodent trap with bait. Photo to follow.
LA Stories
Winston made a bad mistake extending a couple million of credit to T, licensor of a hot, but fading LA-based fashion brand. It's hard to collect from Hong Kong when someone just doesn't want to pay you. Winston cries that he may have to close his factory if he doesn't get paid. Do you know of any lawyers who might help? Good luck, but first a phone call to someone with intimate knowledge of T's current situation:
T is downsizing, put up his Beverly Hills home for 12 million, looking to move to a more humble abode in the 5 - 7 million range...but the Bentley stays. Maybe a lien on his home, but act swiftly. Of course chances are that home is held by some bogus trust T set up. And business has been slow, other suppliers also trying in vain to collect.
It's the end of the work day in Hong Kong and Winston is sitting at his desk with a bottle of vodka unable to hold back the sobs.
T is downsizing, put up his Beverly Hills home for 12 million, looking to move to a more humble abode in the 5 - 7 million range...but the Bentley stays. Maybe a lien on his home, but act swiftly. Of course chances are that home is held by some bogus trust T set up. And business has been slow, other suppliers also trying in vain to collect.
It's the end of the work day in Hong Kong and Winston is sitting at his desk with a bottle of vodka unable to hold back the sobs.
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