Harry's Secret War

Pigeons.

After a pigeon crapped on Alvy's head, he became engaged in a perpetual war against the "winged rats" that nested on the roof of The Shugar Belt Building. But nothing worked; not the statue of the owl, not the poisoned bait, not the barbed wire, not the cat Alvy bought at the SPCA and flung on the roof like a rag doll, and not even the Daisy rifle he used to shoot the shitting birds during lunch.

But for Harry, pigeons were allies, frontline soldiers in his secret war against Alvy. Harry darted outside to the parking lot at 10:35 AM on Day 1 of the war. When the coast was clear, he pulled out a five pound bag of bird seed from the trunk of his car and spread the seed all over Alvy's white Mercedes.

The battleground tactic worked like a charm as Harry looked on through his binoculars from the showroom window on the third floor overlooking the parking lot. The pigeons had an eating and shitting frenzy until they were chased away by the seagulls. By 11:15 AM there was not one bird seed left uneaten on Alvy's car, now scratched all over and festooned with heaping blobs of bird poop. The car had to be repainted.

That afternoon Harry also lauched Operation Commission Recovery, skimming $340 dollars in cash on a sale to a jobber from out west. Harry figured that if he could keep up the skimming on a regular basis then within a year. he could recover most of the commission that was rightfully due to him. He had to be careful, but Alvy was out of town almost every week, so the opportunities were plentiful. Harry vowed to stop the skimming when according to his records, the account was even.

Then he'd quit and tell Alvy to fuck off.

In the meantime, he'd be on his best behavior with Alvy and continue his guerrilla war on the Belt King. Block a toilet, order late night pizzas to the Belt King's Fernwood Hills house, thumbtack Alvy's office chair, the possibilities seemed infinite. War was as exhilarating as immaturity.