Inequality Among Friends

It was a killer to see Finkie this way. Fat, chain-smoking, disheveled. Harry felt guilty about it, but couldn't wait to leave the home. Finkie drew close to Harry and whispered in his ear. 


"We're leaving for L.A. next Monday, don't say anything to the yokels here. Gary Feldman called me last night and offered us staff writing jobs. We're gonna be stars Harry, stars."


What was there left to do anymore but finish the script?

              SCENE H

INT. GARY’S APARTMENT  -  A LITTLE LATER.

GARY AND HERB. HERB IS PACING ABOUT THE APARTMENT EXCITEDLY. GARY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE SPORTS NEWS ON TV.

                   HERB

       I’m telling you Gary, last night

       Was the most wonderful night of my life.

                   GARY

       (NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO HERB)

       Tell me something. When they show

       figure-skating highlights, why do

       they only show the falls?

                   HERB

       Figure skating? I’m telling you about

       a defining moment of my life and all

       you can think about is men in make-up

       doing pirouettes?

                   GARY

       Who would want to be in a sport where

       you have to fall down to get some

       attention? What do they think to

       themselves when they make a few

       triple-axels and toe-loops? “Phew

       I made it. Phew I made it.” Where’s

       the joy? Where’s the satisfaction?

                   HERB

       My thoughts exactly!

                   GARY

      (BLOWING UP) My God, man, do even your

      thoughts have to be the same as mine?

A BEAT

                   HERB

      Okay Gary, spit it out. What’s wrong?

     

                   GARY

      Nothing’s wrong.

                   HERB

      (MAKING A SUDDEN REALIZATION) I know

      What it is! It’s the Black Diamond

      Yo-Yo Syndrome all over again!

                   GARY

      Herb, you’re a mental case.

                   HERB

      Usually, Gary, I grant you that, but

      not this time. I’m on to something here.

      It’s like when we were eleven. You used

      to play day and night with your Black

      Diamond yo-yo – until I got one. Then

      you threw your away. It’s the same

      here – when I get something that you

      have, it loses its luster for you.

      (TRIUMPHANTLY) Jana and Jill are the

      Black Diamond yo-yos!


SFX. THE BUZZER RINGS. GARY GETS UP TO ANSWER.

                   GARY

       Well, there are the yo-yos now.

                   HERB

       So you admit it. I’m right.

                   GARY

       I admit nothing. The evidence is

       all circumstantial.

                   HERB

       You think of me as nothing more than

       a sidekick...an appendage...comic

       relief. Is that what I’m destined for?

       A life in sidekick land? Me, Jimmy

       Olson and Jughead Jones sitting

       Around with no dates?

                   GARY

       I always pictured you more as Alfred,

       the butler.

SFX. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

                   GARY (CON’T)

       Get that, please.

THE GIRLS ENTER. AD LIB GREETINGS.

                  HERB

       So tell me – who did you like better,

       Batman or Robin?

                  JILL

       Pardon me?

                  HERB

       You know, the Caped Crusader or the

       Boy Wonder? Who’d you rather take to

       see Miss Saigon?

                  JANA

       Well, we always kind of likes Robin.

                  JILL

      He was so cute and earnest...kind of

      like you, Herb.

                  HERB

      (TO GARY) You see, you see,

      Mr. Top Banana.

                  JANA

      Well...there’s something we need to

      tell you first.

                  GARY

       Do you think the Boy Wonder is old

       enough to hear it?

                  HERB

       If I’m old enough to match wits

       with The Riddler, then I’m old enough

       to hear this.

                  JILL
       Actually, what we have to say is

       mostly about you, Herb. (A BEAT)

       I find you very attractive.

                  JANA

       ...The problem is – so do I.

HERB IS SHOCKED AND EXCITED.

                  GARY

       Come again.

                  JILL

       It’s true. We’re both irresistibly

       attracted to you, Herb.  

                 

                  HERB

       So...you want to date me simultaneously?

                  JANA

       Not exactly, Herb.

                  JILL

       Herb, you don’t understand. We think

       it’s best if we don’t see either of you.

                  HERB

       No! This cannot be! This is unacceptable!

GARY IS QUIETLY RELIEVED.

                  JILL

       We’ve been in this type of situation

       before and it’s just too much of a

       strain on our relationship. On top of

       that, with the two of you being such

       good friends...

                  HERB

       We’re not such good friends. Actually,

       I’m more like Gary’s sidekick.

GARY PUTS HIS ARM PATRONIZINGLY AROUND GEORGE’S SHOULDER.

                  GARY

       My little Boy Wonder. Don’t worry

       about it, girls. We understand. I’m

       sure this is for the best.

                  JANA

       We’re glad to see you taking it

       so well.

A BEAT OF SILENCE. HERB BEGINS TO WEEP WITH WRACKING SOBS.

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