The Dick List

Make a hit list for L.A.. Who do you know who's made it? Who can be a connection? "It's not about what you know," Harry heard his mother repeat forever, "it's who you know?" Only problem was that the who's were usually dicks and Harry didn't do dicks well. He sat at his desk, pulled out his agenda and started to write out his dick list.


Mathew "Nipple-Nose" Spitz


For sure the mole-on-the-noser BMOC cum schlocky game show producer would take Harry's call. After all, what are old high school friends for? Nipple-Nose, A decent egger, but not a go-to guy.  Madly in love with himself, which ultimately turned out to be his greatest asset, more so than his ersatz-Travolta hairdo, more so than his grey wolf fur coat, or white Trans Am, or even his blondie, firm-titted sweetheart, Marli. Ole Nipple-Nose would take Harry's call just to have the opportunity to shmay ad infinitum about himself and his towering accomplishments. About his cheesy game show, Guess What's In My Pants?, about his Hollywood friends like Sonny Pinto and Diqué Ricardo, about his visits to the Playboy Mansion and hot tubbing escapades with Hef and the triplets, about the Ferrari he bought from Will Matlock, about,  about, about. But would he give Harry a bonafide lead or introduction or invariably forget his wallet at the office when he took out him out to lunch?


Carla Weisel


Finkie's first cousin, now a up-and-comer hot shit PR agent counting among her B-List clients the likes of Macy Golden, Tara O'Neil and Jace Lowenthal . She might take his call, that is if she still didn't hold a grudge against Harry for (accidentally) farting in her face while going down on him. For chrissakes, they both ate onion soup that night, what did Carla expect? Besides, it's not like the pug-nosed tart had never experienced a misfire before during a fellatio expedition with any of the scores of pimply would-be Lotharios from high school, from ski school, from afternoon Hebrew school, from summer camp, from the park, from under the bleachers, from, from, from. Carla was always a busy gal, now she was just adult-busy. Busy on calls with stars, busy with meetings, busy on route to more meetings, busy having dinner with good friends, busy at the gym with her trainer, (also Pamela Anderson's), busy, busy, busy.


Teddy Slutsky


Harry's old football coach who led the Mustangs to two consecutive provincial finals only to get massacred because Jewish boys don't do well on frozen fields. Teddy with the fu manchu moustache, flowing silk shirts and clogs who barked orders from the sidelines and snuk smokes during time-outs. Dandy Ted was now a producer on kiddie sitcom House Hubbies and partied with Nick Tassos. Maybe Teddy never answered his home phone, but the message on his answering machine attested that he was now a Hollywood insider: "Hey there folks and strokes, I'm not in right now because I'm preparing my monologue for the Tonight Show. Leave a message and I'll have my buxom assistant, Brandy, call you back...Hee hee hee, Brandy. Knock it off, I'm recording a message..." Fortunately for the millions of Tonight Show fans who like good comedy, Dandy Ted got bumped off the guest list at the last minute and never got called back. Would Teddy remember Harry Starr, former quarterback whom he taught how to throw a screen pass, run a bootleg, call an audible? Unfortunately however, Teddy's memory of his head coaching days had faded into oblivion. "Yeah, I remember the Mustangs. Always tripped on the logo. Man, that's going a long way back. Haven't watched a football game in years. Does Denver still have those ugly orange uniforms?"

What a list.