SCENE I
EXT. THE STREET – A LITTLE LATER THAT EVENING
GARY AND HERB ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET. GARY IS WHISTLING, STROLLING JAUNTILY.
HERB
How can you be happy at a time
like this?
GARY
Oh relax, Herb. Someday you’ll look
back on this and laugh.
HERB
Great. The way my life has gone, I’ll
have to live to two hundred to get
in all the laughing.
GARY
And that’ll only cover the high
school years.
HERB
At my funeral, instead of a eulogy,
they’ll just play a laugh track.
Would it offend the gods so much to
make me a winner just once? Even
Charlie Brown won a baseball game
last year.
GARY
Maybe that’s your problem, Herb.
All your role models seem to be
cartoon characters. Robin, Jughead,
Charlie Brown. You’re comparing
yourself to ink!
HERB
(WITH RESIGNATION) You’re right. I’m
I’m aiming too high. Hey, what the hell’s
going on here?
GARY AND HERB HAVE ARRIVED AT THE MILK BAR. THERE IS A CROWD OF PEOPLE MILLING ABOUT. POLICE TAPE IS BARRING THE ENTRANCE.
TERRI (OC)
The whole place is infested with vermin.
GARY AND HERB WALK OVER TO ELAINE.
HERB
Great – I’ve lost my girls, and now
I’m not even gonna get ice cream.
TERRI
Lost the girls? Where’s Jana and Jill?
GARY
Listen to this! Jana, my girlfriend,
tells me that she likes Herb better
than me.
TERRI PUSHES GARY.
TERRI
Get out! She liked Robin better than you?
HERB
You haven’t heard the best. They both
liked me so much, they dumped me.
GARY
Rather than fight over Herb, they
thought it’s be best to break it off.
Pulaski, this charm of yours...it’s
a curse. HERB
You are so right, my friend. Why is
it that with women, I’m either Valentino
Charlie Brown? They either become totally
obsessed with me, to the point of
suicide, or I turn them into nuns?
GARY
You're godly, Herb.
HERB STOPS TO THINK FOR A BEAT.
HERB
Godly, yes. A new angle!
END OF ACT TWO.
END OF STORY.
CUT TO MONOLOGUE:
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