Monkey Business

It took Nigel a month before forgiving Harry for writing a Prupas script. The thought of one of his clients working for the Cohen brothers with an 'h', was horrifying. Nigel's boutique agency had a reputation of quality to maintain.

"I got you a pitch meeting with Lee Menardi, the show-runner on the new Gypsy remake," Nigel said.

"I used to watch Gypsy reruns every day after school. I loved that dog."

"Caveat emptor, my friend. This is the cable remake of the series."

"Oh man, Gypsy...That dog could do anything."

A few days later at the meeting with Lee Menardi, the disillusioned TV writing veteran ever one series away from realizing his dream of retiring in Alaska:

"One thing, Harry. This new Gypsy is a pig. Too fat to even jump, I'm not kidding. So no car scenes, okay?"

"But what about all the great rescue scenes Gypsy was famous for?"

"That was the original Gypsy. This one's about as heroic as a meatball. Of course it doesn't help that Gypsy's dog trainer is a mean alcoholic with a gambling problem. The fucker only has the job because he's the son of the trainer and owner of the original Gypsy. All this new Gypsy tub-of-shit can do is roll over and scarf down a treat. Meanwhile, Chow Down, the show's sponsor, wants it that way. This show is really about selling dog food."

"Dog food?"

"Yeah, so there's gotta be at least three scenes with Miss Piggy gobbling down a fucking dog treat."

"Better than having three scenes of the pooch taking a shit."

"That's probably where we'll end up next season if this show ever gets renewed. The whole thing is fucking depressing. I'm forty-seven and working with a fat-assed dog that can't even jump into the back seat of a car."

"Fucking Gypsy, man. She was once America's canine sweetheart."

"Now reduced to a dog food whore. How do you develop a show around kibble? I'm coming up blank with story lines, Harry. What you got, boy? Think, think."

Harry loved this Menardi guy. He thought about a story idea for a few seconds and then it just came.

"How about a story about this hot young actor who comes to town to shoot a movie? It's like the biggest thing to ever happen in Hickville...But he's an eccentric actor who won't go anywhere without his pet chimpanzee...which also happens to be a kleptomaniac...So something gets stolen in every location where they shoot a scene...Better yet, the chimp frames the actor...Johnny Hipp...who then becomes the main suspect..."

"Great idea, Harry! They want shows with pet guest stars...This monkey thing should work.."

"Chimp, Lee, chimp. Everyone loves a mischevious chimp."

"Not the cheap-ass producers of this show. On this budget we'll be lucky to get a rescue monkey." Lee sighed. "I should've been a radiologist. I mean what are they but glorified photographers and yet they're the highest paid specialists. Like what's the big shit about being a radiologist? 'You've got a tumor up your ass, go see the proctologist.'"

"D'you ever wonder what makes someone become a proctologist?"

"Their fascination with assholes...just like the American public," Lee wondered aloud while scratching his ass. "Bring me an outline for tomorrow and you have a writing job."